Heavy

This week I had three conversations with families who are facing the struggle of someone caught up in or heading toward addiction.

The stories in some ways are similar, but they’re not, they are not because they are stories of people in pain, and pain is very personal.

When I try to think of what it felt like for our family to go through the journey of helping Lauren overcome anxiety, anorexia, and eventually addiction one word comes clearly to mind, heavy! It felt very heavy, in fact, crushing would be a more descriptive word. Crushing in every area of our lives, always. As I was talking with one of these families the other day, a loved one of an individual facing mental health and addiction, said: “It always feels like you are waiting for the other shoe to drop.” That is a perfectly accurate picture, and sadly there is always another shoe to drop!

Then there is the heaviness of the common feelings a loved one, especially a parent instantly gravitates to:

“I feel like I failed them.”

“I feel guilty.”

“I do not know what to do.”

“I keep helping but nothing seems to change.”

There is also the weight of having to face so many people that love you, and love your addicted loved one, that all seem to have the right answer.

“Let them hit rock bottom.”

“You’re enabling them.”

“My friend did this.”

All these statements, I believe, well-meaning, by people that care, but maybe not well informed. The one thing I have learned about addiction is it is extremely complicated to treat, especially when mental health is co-occurring.

Then there is the heaviness the impacted individual carries. The constant stress of the drug of choice on the body, the constant pursuit of something, in many ways, they do not want. Please read the post “Ambivalence” to understand this more. Yet, realizing that the drug, the enemy, is giving them something they “think” they can’t find anywhere else. They can! Read the post “A New Perspective on an Old Problem” to learn more about how this is impacting the brain of your loved one. In a significant number of situations, the heaviest of weights, that many times is just too much, is guilt and shame.

One thing LaLa (Laurens favorite nickname) always reminded me of was this truth: “Most of these people are not bad people dad, they are just caught up in this stuff.” Honestly, I should not have needed to be reminded of that truth. There are evil people, I have met 2 or 3 in my life, but most people are good people who are just stuck doing some bad things.

One of the things one of the families I got to work with this week said was this “We both walked away with a clearer understanding of our childs lying but with knowledge of a heart of not wanting to hurt and disappoint us.  We are more keenly aware of their heart to not want to hurt us, and rejuvenated to affirm their priceless value to us, God and the world regardless of their temporary actions and lying.” (this statement has been modified for privacy)

It always feels good to help a family in crisis in some small way. I had shared with them the most valuable lesson Lauren taught me about lying. One of the things LaLa’s mom and I struggled with, and I am sure her brother, was the fact that she would lie about the drug use. We would often say to her, “Honey, why do you lie, we already know about the heroin, there is no reason to lie. The lying hurts us more than anything else.” Even as I write that I can remember many times I felt it and said it, with good intentions but not realizing that it might be adding to the weight of guilt and shame Lauren carried. One day Lauren said something to me that change me, helped me, and made my relationship with her in this crisis better. She said: “Dad, you don’t get it. I do not lie to you because I want to hurt you. I lie to you because I am sick and tired of hurting you. I am sick and tired of seeing my mom in a heap on the end of her bed crying. I am sick and tired of having my brother pleading with me to stop hurting our family and just stop when I know he loves me but doesn’t understand. I am sick and tired of seeing the heaviness in your face every time I mess up – again!” That statement changed how I interacted with Lauren, and if I am honest, lifted,  just a little bit, of the heaviness.

My favorite photographer is Brooke Shaden. Most of the featured images for this blog are hers. The featured image today does not have a title that I know of but she did say this about it

“And then they stand. All 160 of my family. They stand and they cheer and they send me so much energy that I am moved beyond tears. I cover my face and cry and lend my soul to them to carry while I cannot carry it myself. Sometimes it is so heavy.” Brooke Shaden

The image below is called Heavy Wings, she had this to say when she created it:

“To find hope in the darkness.

To spread our wings when they feel heavy.

To look in painful places when it may hurt.

To believe in the power of kindness.”

Brooke Shaden

Kindness, respect, and effective interaction can have a huge effect on the recovery of your loved one. Last weeks post “Collision” lists many resources to understand this. Fighting addiction or mental health is hard and feels heavy, but together we can lighten and eventually lift the load. Keep fighting!