My Greatest Fear
August 7, 2020
Last week an old friend of mine asked an especially important question. She asked: “How do you continue to love the addict while, at the same time, setting boundaries so that you don’t end up enabling them or being destroyed along with them when they’re still using?”
. My friend and I went to grammar school together and I am certain we never imagined that we would have to walk the complicated and painful path of loving someone in active addiction. Nobody plans for that, honestly nobody ever plans to be addicted either. Here is how Lauren said it in a post when she finally admitted to the world she was addicted. “while choosing to do drugs is a choice becoming addicted isn’t , it’s part of how the brain is hard-wired. nobody does a drug for the first time and says ‘wow, one day i hope i become a drug addict.’ that’s certainly something i never wanted to happen to me but it did.” Some people may not want to hear that, but it is true.
I promised my friend that I would share how this walking a fine line played out in our family’s life as it related to Lauren.
When someone you love is suffering with a mental health issue like anorexia there are always life-threatening implications. Anorexics can have serious medical issues and run the rea risk of heart attack at any given moment. OR, if they are using/addicted to drugs that can be life threatening, today that is most all drugs because of fentanyl and carfentanil, is present in most every illegal drug today, and both extremely lethal. To find out how lethal they are read Friends and Family .
Sadly, and fearfully death is a possibility, but it is something that we try to not think about. No one wants that or expects that, and sometimes the miracle of Narcan can give us a false sense of security. Narcan saved my daughters life 5 times and I am grateful for the extra time we had!
Outside of the risk of losing LaLa at any moment the thing I feared most was that she would go to a sober house. A sober house is a place were people working toward recovery might go after a 28 day, or longer treatment program, residential or IOP (Intense outpatient) program. A sober house can provide a transitional step to give people a chance to build a better coping system than their fall back of drug use. When sober houses are good they can be very effective in someone’s treatment, and of course there is always the truth that I can make choices to continue getting well in recovery even in not so perfect places, life is never perfect.
Unfortunately, when a sober house is ineffective, they are not nice places to be. Drugs are available in abundance; greed, not compassion, often motivates the people that run or own the facility. Residents are taken advantage of, raped, beat up and in some cases murdered. Like anything you really need to do your due diligence.
I was deathly afraid that Lauren would go to a sober house. I did not want her to be in that kind of place and I did not want to be the person who ends up estranged from their child and gets a knock at their door from a Policeman at 2 AM who says “Mr. Provenzano, we are very sorry we have found your daughter dead in a warehouse or behind a dumpster.” I would not want to live with that and that is a part of why as a family “We Chose Love” , read the article to understand more. If that has happened to you I want you to know there is hope and help for you. Please message me at vinny@wechoselove.com and we can talk about it.
The truth is that toward the last few months of her life Lauren. LaLa, was thinking and beginning to talk about going to a sober house.
It all came to a head as I was traveling home from a conference in beautiful Orange County California. The whole week I had communicated back and forth with Lauren, we always did that whether traveling or home. I even brought her home a bracelet as a little gift. It was one of the things she was wearing the last night I saw her alive. My wife, son and I each chose items that we felt would be special to place in Laurens casket. One of mine was that bracelet. On my way home from California to Connecticut, Lauren asked me if I would go with her to look at a sober house on the next Monday. Reading those words made me feel like I had been hit by a Mack truck, instantly my stomach turned into a knot, my heart flooded with fear, and I am sure I whispered to God with tear filled eyes, “Nooooo”. I replied to LaLa’s request with this text: “Is there a reason … I do not want you to leave our home but if that’s what you want it is your choice.”
When I finally got home it was about 2:30AM, I was exhausted from a cross country trip with all the in between car rides added in for fun. Battle weary is the only way I could describe how I felt because of the thoughts racing through my mind due to Laurens request. LaLa met me at the top of our stairs wanting to talk about her request, she was not happy with the way I responded to her text. I just couldn’t talk at that moment; my brain was mush and I explained to Lauren that I would talk with her about it in the morning. I could not sleep that night, my heart was just hurting too much, I was broken inside and afraid of where my little girl was headed. Eventually I came, reluctantly to this realization: “If that was what Lauren chose to do I would not help her or are relationship by making her stay in our home, I would have to trust God, completely.” I did not like it, I was not a willing participant, but I had no other option.
The next morning Lauren and I did talk. I explained to her that as her mom and I had told her, our door would always be open to her, but there might come a time when she chose to leave our home (as I said those words inwardly I was screaming PLEASE DON’T LEAVE US HONEY). I further explained that if we felt her being there was genuinely helping her in recovery, we would help her any way we could, if it wasn’t doing that then we could not be a partner to that. We also had explained to Lauren that her home would always be a welcome place for her but we would want her working toward recovery. She said she wanted to go see the home on Monday. On Monday July 3rd 2017 at 6:20 AM I received a series of texts from Lauren explaining she had a hard night and would re-schedule for the following Monday. Truthfully I was very relieved and prayed a prayer of gratitude to God. That following Monday never came, Lauren passed-away only 3 days later.
The point is that there are times when even while we are choosing love, we will need to allow our loved one to own the outcomes of their choices with the assurance that nothing will change our love for them, and we will always be there when they are ready for help. I wish I could tell you its easy, but it is not!
This weeks featured image is by Brooke Shaden, I am not sure of the title but she had this to say about the image “There exists within each of us a certain fear that hangs above our heads like a black cloud”
Vinnie and Nereida~like last week I can feel the excruciating pain and anguish in recalling the events that led to sweet Lauren’s passing and I can imagine how much tension there was in your own thoughts & hearts. I am so confident that God is using this suffering as a mechanism or vehicle to help others…and I think the harvest you are reaping is and will be beyond the scope of what you can imagine. God has great confidence in entrusting you to this unspeakable challenge of dealing with the aftermath of all that has happened and is so close to and with you in & through this. Time may pass but the extent of your love and compassion is still being expressed and used to encourage others who have or will face such challenges. Be encouraged-you are bringing kindness and hope and practical help to all your readers!