Strong Pillar

The American Medical Association recently said: “The AMA is greatly concerned by an increasing number of reports from national, state and local media suggesting increases in opioid-related mortality—particularly from illicitly manufactured fentanyl and fentanyl analogs. More than 40 states have reported increases in opioid-related mortality as well as ongoing concerns for those with a mental illness or substance use disorder in counties and other areas within the state.” Full publication here

NAMI, The National Alliance on Mental Health sited similar findings when it announced that the relapse and overdose rate has increased by 30% since March 2020. Mental health issues related to our lockdown and the pandemic are especially hard for people with depression. It is hard enough fighting an addiction or mental health issues under normal circumstances let alone in the middle of a pandemic, severe racial unrest, unprecedented political fighting, and more.

One of the things that is hard to do for someone that loves a person fighting an addiction and/or mental health issues is staying focused on what is most important: Remaining strong, a pillar, for yourself and for your loved one. That is priority one, I wish it was easy!

This past week a friend of mine who’s child has battled a long term addiction suffered a devastating blow, their child overdosed and experienced permanent physical damage. After I spoke with them on the phone I wept for several minutes, and prayed, “God please help.” I believe He will. In the face of moments like I just described it is not easy to be strong, I get it, it is okay for us to be human too.

I remember an interaction with Lauren that was very informative for me, and I think eventually helped us in our relationship. I think LaLa (Laurens nickname) realized through the experience, at a much deeper level, that I, her mom, and Evan were on her side.

Lauren was deep in a season of great ambivalence, she wanted to stop using drugs, but couldn’t see a clear path out, so she often slipped back. The scream of the siren call of dope was too LOUD. Uncetain explains it more deeply. You could also read “Ambivalence” for more understanding.

LaLa was making progress in some of the things she was doing but she was being lax in other areas. One of those areas was her work with an addiction specialist that made significant progress with Lauren. Several weeks before Lauren was very distraught, angry, and upset when she came from her session with this therapist. She was downright ornery when she came out. She did not want to ever come back, she felt the therapist was not helpful, kind, and did not like her. In talking with Lauren I explained that she often felt that about everybody, the truth is, that is often true for an addict. What is also true is the fact that it is painful to dig into the areas and experiences that may be driving our addiction. The tendency is to want to run, which is probably what LaLa was feeling. We have to resolve ourselves to this: “We cannot get to healing if we are not willing to go through the pain first.”

A crucial thing to remember is that all treatment works. You must be sure to find the one that works best for you loved one. For Lauren that was one on one treatment. Her addiction counselor got further with Lauren than anyone previously had in digging into the pain that would lead to healing.

On the morning I mention Lauren and I were talking about her moving forward in her recovery. We covered several things and talked about others that were more general. It was not a great morning. I mentioned that she should do her best to reach out to her addiction therapist and talk about setting something up. She responded with something that was belligerent, hurtful and unkind. I get it, people in withdrawal and ambivalence are a handful. It is a part of the game, it can’t be avoided. At the same time, I must be honest and say that I have done my share of the same to Lauren. This morning, her words and the way she said them knocked the wind out of me. They broke me! I was hurt and completely disheartened. I am quite sure at that moment I felt like giving up. It must have come through in how I said what I said. Not because of the words but because of the pathos in the words. I noticed it too. I simply said, “Sweetheart, I am only trying to help you get well if that’s what you want.” And then I sat there numb for what seemed a long time. I eventually got up and left. Something changed for me that day, and I think what changed for LaLa was the realization that we, Evan, Nereida, and myself were not the enemy. What I realized was that I needed to keep doing the best I could and leave the rest with LaLa.

A short time after this she wrote me a beautiful card for Father’s Day that I value greatly today. It is to the right. And you can read what the card says here .

It is not easy, there are lots of times that we get knocked down, but we have to stand up, they need us to be strong because they often can not be strong themselves.

Todays featured image is by Brooke Shaden entitled “The Storms Endured”. Brooke created the image in response to having to say good-bye to her and her husbands foster child. You can get a copy of the image. If you buy this print for $45 100% goes to National Angels, an organization created to walk alongside children in the foster care system, as well as their caretakers, by offering consistent support through intentional giving, relationship building and mentorship, to support kids in foster care. http://brookeshaden.com/prints/the_storms_endured.php .