Never Be Afraid to Change (and hopefully grow)

Why do I keep doing the same thing over and over when it doesn’t work?

Only you really know how much blood, sweat, and tears you have invested in this relationship. However, we feel safe betting that you have tried repeatedly to get your loved one to change. Experience shows that when people love someone, they give him the benefit of the doubt, again and again. They keep trying in hopes the individual will finally “see the light” and change. This would be a great strategy except for one problem. Most people try the same tactics over and over. The sad thing is they do this not because what they are doing works but because it is the only way they know-how. If you think about it, you can see it makes no sense. In fact, it has the same effect as parking yourself in front of that detour on the Albuquerque/Phoenix highway and revving your engine in front of the road-closed sign hoping the noise will force the sign to let you pass. How much more productive it would be if you could pull out a road map and find an alternate route to your destination.  Meyers, Robert J; Wolfe, Brenda L.. Get Your Loved One Sober: Alternatives to Nagging, Pleading, and Threatening. Hazelden Publishing. Kindle Edition.

This quote from the book “Get Your Loved One Sober: Alternatives to Nagging, Pleading, and Threatening” by Robert Meyers, resonates with what Albert Einstein once said “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result”, re-read that a few times, It applies to both the impacted individual facing an addiction and the CSO (Concerned Significant Other) loving them with a desire to help. Yet we do just that!

WOW, I can really relate to this, we did, we kept sending Lauren to Residential Programs and IOP’s (Intense Outpatient Programs), honestly, because we just did not know what else to do. True, sometimes we placed LaLa (Lauren) in a residential program to keep her alive, literally. This certainly was the case her last time in treatment. We did this because she had overdosed on a Wednesday at her work and the next day in our home. It was one of the most painful weeks of my life.

Three very important questions I need to ask to help my loved one:

• “Not why the addiction, but why the pain?” This question comes from Dr. Gabor Mate, and it is a good one. What pain/trauma, heartache, or loss is my loved one trying to cover up or escape. Under this question, I will also include the many who may be tangled in an addiction because of an underlying mental health issue. Some evidence reveals that nearly 50% of folks fighting addiction are self-medicating a mental health issue. Some say it is beyond that but figures over 50% bring in to question if the drug of choice is also adding to the mental health crisis. The was significant in my daughter’s case, “How Did My Daughter End Up on Heroin” explains that in detail?
• “Is what I/we am doing working?” That sounds obvious doesn’t it, but it’s not. Most of what we know or think about addiction, even as a recovered addict like myself, comes from what worked for “ME”, that may not be working for my loved one. For those of us that love someone fighting addiction this means we are constantly LEARNING, about the ways to help myself and my loved one available. LISTENING to what my addicted friend or loved one is really saying. This act often reveals “the pain”. LETTING GO of what is not working, that is harder than it sounds, we tend to listen to everyone around us instead of our own instincts. By far the best resource for this is a book by Anne Fletcher called “Inside Rehab”, It is the fullest education you can find to understand the treatments that are working best. Surprisingly they are not always the most expensive.
• “Am I maximizing my influence on that person I love so much?” You may say “I do not have any influence on my loved one, that’s the problem.” You are wrong, the reality is that family members and other people who are important to someone fighting addiction are the most influential people in that person’s life. Shockingly, although many might disagree, research shows that this includes our teenage children. I am certain you never expected that, but it is true. The best influence you can have is to change the way you interact with your loved one, which in turn will change them. The best resource to understand this is the book I quoted at the beginning of my post, “Get Your Loved One Sober: Alternatives to Nagging, Pleading, and Threatening”  .

As we will be heading into a new, and hopefully better new year make the decision to take a new approach to help your loved one get well.

This week’s featured image is by Brooke Shaden, I call it “Change” but I am not sure of the title. One of Brooke’s great gifts is her ability to push through fear and constantly change, dramatically, her style. This works represents a recent change where she has experimented with several different media. I think it works well. She has already begun to morph into her next creative growth. When trying to help our loved ones overcome addiction we should be will to do new things if what we are doing is not working.