Hang On

I have mentioned before that this year has been the hardest of the 3 years, 6 months, 25 days since I lost my daughter to a carfentanyl laced heroin overdose. Many times I catch myself whispering the words “I miss my daughter”. Not as a means to blame ore justify short comings in my life, but, simply because I really miss her. Of course, I look back and wonder “What if?”. What if I had hugged her that night before it happened, what if I had stayed behind and lingered to surveil her as I dropped her off to dinner, what if I had imprisoned her in a cocoon to restrict any interaction with the outside world. Would things be different, maybe, maybe not, in this life I will not know, and it is unhealthy for me to dwell on what never happened based on what decisions were made in the moment. Hindsight is, ALWAYS, 20/20.

During the month of January 2021 I have tried to reveal very personal elements of our story to impact and influence the relationship between an addiction impacted individual of or someone facing a mental health issue and a person that deeply loves them. This week I want to wrap up those ideas with the element that applies to both the impacted person, and the person who cares about them. Honestly, it is simple, but frustrating, facing it we will come up with lots of excuses, reasons, justifications, and often a well-known person, “Mrs. Yeahbuts” will show up. She will play her siren song of “Yeah but this:” and “Yeah but that” and “Yeah but my situation is different”. The concept, the idea is our title, “Hang On”. Have you slipped, lapsed, used again? Own your actions with their outcomes but do not quit, get back on track, step into the recovery plan again. Is your doctor once again changing your medication mix so you can manage your bi-polar swings, Hang On, do not give up. Are you sitting at the edge of a brand new year, wondering, “I can’t do this anymore I have to let them go” … HANG ON! It is true, strategy and actions may have to change, my loved one may have to endure the outcomes of some poor decisions. One of my daughters’ last decisions cost her her life and permanently change Nerieda’s, Evan’s and my life. That cannot be changed now (Read here why we have hope even in the face of this reality). But PLEASE do not give up, do not quit trying to get well and do not give up on that loved one that needs to know, you still love them.

Several weeks ago I saw the data of a research study by the University of Chicago (the link will be provided here in an update). The study followed two groups of couples who were in deep relational crisis and ready for divorce. The first group were couples that decided there was no hope. Nothing could be done, and they chose to end the relationship (I realize sometimes that does happen). Five years later this group was surveyed and over two-thirds of the participants regretted not holding on longer. The other group were couples that decide to stick it out a little longer with the hope that things might change and get better. Five years later this group was surveyed and showed that close to 80 percent of these couples were now in a happy marriage. Things in fact had gotten better.

Can you choose today to be in the second group? Can you choose to hang on a little longer? I am not suggesting that just hanging on and making no changes will work. That is what Albert Einstein meant when he said “If I always do what I have always done, I will always get what I always got” New action will be the only thing, linked with determination, that will bring better outcomes.

The reason I miss my daughter so much is that the moments are gone now. The chances to hold her, to laugh with her, to see her have been put on pause. Yours are not, please take advantage of every moment you still have like in this life. You will never regret that.

Here are two resources that can be very helpful for you. “Sober: Alternatives to nagging, pleading, and threatening.” . A second is called “The 10-10-10 Principle” by Suzy and Jack Welch. You might also choose a few books off of this extensive resource list:

Several Books that will expand your thinking about addiction:

 

Addiction and Virtue: Beyond the Models of Disease and Choice – Kent Dunnington

 

Addictions: A Banquet in the Grave – Edward T. Welch

 

Beautiful Boy: A Fathers Journey Through His Sons Addiction – David Sheff

 

Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change – Jeffrey Foote

 

Chasing the Scream: The First and Last Days of the War on Drugs – Johann Hari

 

Clean: Overcoming Addiction and Ending Americas Greatest Tragedy – David Sheff

 

Darkness Is My Only Companion: A Christian Response to Mental Illness – Kathryn Greene-McCreight

 

Get Your Loved One Sober: Alternatives to Nagging, Pleading, and Threatening – Robert Meyer

 

Highjacked Brains: The Experience and Science of Chronic Addiction – Henrietta Robin Barnes

 

In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addiction – Gabor Mate

 

Inside Rehab: The Surprising Truth About Addiction Treatment and How to Get Help That Works – Anne Fletcher

 

Instant Influence: How to Get Anyone to Anything Fast – Michael Pantelon

 

Lost Connections – Johann Hari

 

Safety in Numbers: From 56 to 221 Pounds, My Battle With Eating Disorders – Brittany Burgunder

 

The Soul of Shame: Retelling the Stories We Believe About Ourselves – Curt Thompson

 

Suffering and the Heart of God: How Trauma Destroys and Christ Restores – Diane Langburg

 

Terry: My Daughters Life and Death Struggle with Alcoholism – George McGovern

 

Troubled Minds: Mental Illness and the Churches Mission – Amy Simpson

 

Unbroken Brain: The Revolutionary New Way of Understanding Addiction – Maia Szalavitz

 

This weeks featured image is by Brooke Shaden, I am not sure of the title but here is a link to an article she wrote in 2014 for creatives (the message is valuable to all) about always moving forward. https://www.creativelive.com/blog/brooke/