Fit In

This past week I needed a follow-up to some surgery I had done.  It required a one-day in and out visit to the hospital, everything went very well. In the past couple of years, I have had several visits to the hospital, when I do it always brings back lots of memories of Lauren and the last year of her life. They are not easy memories but they can be healing.

Lauren spent a lot of time in the last year of her life in the hospital. Sometimes because of complications due to her anorexia, or addiction. If I am honest, one or two times for drug-seeking. What saddened me as a dad loving someone fighting an addiction was that once someone has been in and out of the ER several times and it is discovered that they are a drug user, a few people – doctors, nurses, etc –  not all, assume every visit was drug-seeking. As a father, I often asked “Does it matter if a human being is suffering and in pain as a result of an addiction that started because of a poor choice.” They are still hurting and need help. Read “A Moment of Great Pride” for a deeper understanding of Lauren’s perspective on this. Five of those times we were there because Lauren overdosed. Those were the hardest! Studies show that for an addict every overdose can be a step toward recovery. I believe they were for Lauren. One of the hardest of those times was when an EMT had shared with me after the overdose that Lauren had begged them in the ambulance, “Please help, I want to stop?”. For obvious reasons, while we can understand this idea, the risks involved are very high. This post about ambivalence is helpful in understanding this.

One of my favorite quotes relating to addiction is from Gabor Mate, he says this; “Addiction starts and ends in pain”. It does. For some, this sounds a little hyper-sensitive, but pain can grow out of lots of different things, and we often try to mask it in strange ways, even bravado or violence. The real issue is we as human beings do not like to be vulnerable, we run from that as fast as we can. To learn more about the principles of vulnerability check out Brene Browns website or her video interview with Chase Jarvis , or her book Braving the Wilderness

 “In the absence of love and belonging, there is always suffering” Bene Brown

My wife and I recently watched a movie we had seen before called “Wonder”. Watching the movie this time, surely because of events I experienced with my daughter LaLa (Lauren), many things I had not seen before stood out. The story is about a boy born with a severe facial deformity. They never actually say what it was but because of it, he went through many surgeries. Of course, he also experienced the pain of never fitting in. As a result, he wore a space helmet when around people or in an effort to cope with his pain. Kind of a “Shroud”. An interesting aspect of the story is that it is told through his eyes and the eyes of those around him that cared. Their stories often did not reveal what he was feeling. That’s important to understand if you are the addicted individual. It is possible that what you think others are feeling about you is not the way they truly feel. They may actually care more than you know but because of their own pain are not expressing it well.

For Lauren, a big part of her story was that she couldn’t seem to find the place where she fit in. It was painful for her. I wish I had found ways to help her in that. What she also could not see was that there were many people around her, besides us (Nereida, Evan, and me, LaLa would often say; “You have to say those things because you are my family”), that loved her deeply. The Post “I Never Expected That” reveals how often this showed up in LaLa’s life.

If you feel like you are not fitting in realize that there are people who accept you as you are. Those are the ones that love you and can help you the most.

This weeks featured image is called “Shroud” by Brooke Shaden. The word “shroud” has two similar meanings: 1) to hide from view, 2) the cloth that a dead body is wrapped in.