You Have More to Offer Than You Think

It hit me out of nowhere. I was talking with my wife and suddenly realized: my son’s birthday is in just over a week, he will be twenty-seven. Then, without warning the thought exploded in my mind: “WOW, 5 years without Lauren.” Immediately I could feel that ever-present weight on my thoughts and on my heart.

YOU MUST LIVE IN THE NOW

As my children’s birthdays approach (LaLa and Evan are twins) one of the things my wife and I work hard at is to celebrate what we have, not only what we lost. We will make this special day all about Evan and all that he means to us, so this birthday will focus on him.

At the same time, it would be easy for me to remember, so much that I miss about Lauren. To focus on what made me think: “WOW, 5 years without Lauren (LaLa was 22 when she passed away).

YOU HAVE A LOT TO OFFER

Instead, I want to focus on all Lauren brought, to my life and, to the lives around her. Many young girls reached out to us after Lauren passed away to let us know how much she meant to them. They often shared how Lauren made them feel welcome and accepted in circumstances where they felt out of place. This might have been a new person coming to school, or someone she met in treatment who was feeling like they just don’t fit in. Lauren would home in on these girls because she understood how deep their pain was. She cared!

SHE MADE MY LIFE BETTER

I always felt loved when she texted me during the day to ask: “Dad will you make macarons with me tonight?” She made me feel I was a good dad when at night she would watch me make her a “Golden Milk” which she felt helped her sleep a little better. She helped me know she wanted to be with me when she asked if I would take her snowboarding, I skied, too old for snowboarding. We experienced a deep connection when she would invite me to come to sit on the side of her bed to talk with her in the early hours of the morning about anything that was on her heart. Often these conversations were very enlightening about how Lauren got to where she was. The video “How My Daughter Ended Up on Heroin” explains more. She brought meaning and value to my life.

YOU THINK YOU DON’T MATTER BUT YOU DO

I remember one particular evening when Lauren and I were in the living room and she was chatting with a friend. I was either watching tv or working on my laptop. She was talking about a table that Evan and I made from purple wood and maple for our living room. She was talking up what a great job Evan, her A1 since day 1 (her favorite nickname for him), had done on the table. Then she said something that deeply pained me. She said “My brother spent the past few months making this beautiful table I have spent the past few months bringing nothing but pain and hurt to our home.” She was wrong! That was not what we felt or ever said. Later that night Lauren and I talked about that not being how her mom, brother, or I were feeling. I hoped she would not feel it either, but I am not sure she ever shook it off.

YOU’RE DOING MORE THAN YOU THINK

It is easy for addicts to feel the way my daughter did. Sometimes it’s because of the myriad of complications that always start showing up around addiction. Sometimes it might be a bit of self-pity. At least it often was for me. Or sometimes it may be a cry for affirmation that we are doing something positive in someone’s life. What you might be missing is you are!

It is true, fighting with addiction puts a lot of stress on our relationships. Don’t make the mistake of thinking you have nothing to give to the people around you that love you, you do, so don’t keep it from them, they need it!

This week’s featured image is called “Speck” by Brooke Shaden. It reminds me of the beauty that emerges through the butterfly metamorphosis.