Longing for Connection and Ways We Get It Wrong

STAYING GROUNDED

I find the older I get the more I try to connect with things from my past. In some ways it helps me feel grounded. I use a very nice old golf bag that was my fathers. It connects me to the days I played golf with him. Not many but I wish we had done it more now. My mind sometimes drifts back to seemingly insignificant events and interactions that now help me see the stuff of life that is really important. I suppose this is part of the reason we like Facebook so much when we see old images of friends we have not seen in decades, or hold onto all those things in the basement that we will throw out one day. Connections Matter!

Connections are vital in someone’s recovery. It makes the job of recovery or managing a mental heath issue much easier. Two books that demonstrate this in real world application are by Johann Hari. They are Chasing the Scream and Lost Connections, both are well worth the read. Our post “Climb” speaks more about the power of connections in a rough area of London. In this case what connection achieved was nothing short of miraculous. Take a look “Climb” . The post has some really fun images of Lauren doing a few of the things she loved most.

We can connect through some of the shared interests we have with someone. We can help them re-connect with many of the things they once enjoyed doing. We can connect by accomplishing a task which is what the stories in Lost Connections are all about.

A TOOL WE ALL USE

Another word that is hugely helpful to understand when I am overcoming an addiction or helping someone do so is “coping”.  In fact author and addiction specialist Phillip Flores was right when he said “Addiction is an Attempt at Self-Repair That Fails”. That is important to know because we can connect when understand the ways a person is coping with the world they perceive and learn to affirm and encourage “the” person (more on this later). Did you notice the emphasis? When we love someone and want to be a help to them we are pretty good at applauding what people do. If we are wise, we applaud the behaviors we are hoping to see continue? That’s not bad, but it is not best!

One of the things we should be trying to do is the applaud “the” person, not just the things they do. We want them to know we value who they are. A report on Attachment styles said this “Feeling valued begins in infancy and is the foundation of healthy self-esteem development. Parents who raise children with a healthy self esteem repeatedly express their joy about who the child is rather than what the child does. They focus on Being rather than Doing. Such parents exhibit “expressed delight” to the child and about almost everything the child does. They focus not on the chores, but on the joys of parenting.”

WE CAN LEARN TO INTERACT MORE EFFECTIVELY

Attachment Style’s profile.  Attachment styles refer to the particular way in which an individual relates to other people. The concept involves one’s confidence in the availability of the attachment figure for use as a secure base from which one can freely explore the world when not in distress as well as a safe haven from which one can seek support, protection, and comfort in times of distress. That is the clinical definition of Attachment Styles. An easier way to say it is: “Attachment styles are the means we learn, very early in life, to navigate the world we are in or the one we perceive.

Experts believe that attachment styles affect how we interact with others around us (attachment styles are often connected to a romantic relationship but the truth is they affect ALL relationships. Simply put the best way I can help my loved one in serious addiction or a mental health issue is to build the best relationship with them that I can.

Experts also believe attachment styles are formed in early childhood and carry through to adulthood.

This image reveals the four types of Attachment Styles.

Knowing mine and my loved ones can be a big asset in “connecting”.

You can also take a free short assessment at The Attachment Project. It could also be a great help to your addicted friend or loved to take the assessment and share it with one another. The site is also full of helpful information on interacting with people we care about with varying Attachment styles.

This week’s featured image is by Brooke Shaden