It’s the Little Things That Matter

Yesterday morning, Thanksgiving Day, my son offered to give some friends a ride to the airport. It was a nice thing to do especially because he had to get up at 4AM to make it happen. I had to be up early myself, so I knocked on his door to make sure he was up. I sat on the end of his bed and we chatted for a bit. It reminded me of two things:

• When facing the loss of someone you love deeply, its important to form new experiences. You can read more about that in “I Won’t Let Go”.
• The many mornings that I would sit with Lauren and talk.

Those mornings were very special. I believe they meant a lot to Lauren, and for myself I feel that God used them to prepare me for the eventual loss of my daughter.

Many times, Lauren would hear me slipping a note I would leave under her door each morning. I explain why in detail in “The Best Thing I Ever Did for My Daughter” or “Looking at This Image Hurts”. These notes meant a lot to Lauren, she saved each one. If Lauren was still awake and heard me, she would invite me to come in and talk with her. On the surface these moments together did not seem so important. Just a dad trying to be a positive influence in the life of his daughter. In these conversations we connected in very meaningful ways. It was on one of these early morning visits that LaLa shared what she felt had unfolded in her life that eventually lead to her heroin addiction. You can watch the video “How My Daughter Ended Up on Heroin” to learn more about that. It was also where Lauren could see how deeply I loved her.

At one of the many treatment facilities Lauren attended, in one of the myriads of endless sessions, meetings, and group she was required to attend, she was asked the question “Who, is the primary source of encouragement in your recovery”? I felt very honored as I read her medical history that her answer was: “My Dad”. We all encouraged her, Nereida was Laurens best friend, when Laurens anxiety was out of control, her mom was her source of comfort and strength. Lauren would lean on her tremendously. Her mom was the first person she would turn to for help and support. Your loved one needs someone like that in their life. Evan and Lauren shared a very special connection. Lauren was a source of great support and encouragement to Evan as much as He was for her. It’s sad, when Evan shared that with me, I was a little surprised. I hadn’t noticed that in Lauren. LaLa was a very kind, and caring person who had so much to offer our world. Many others shared that with us after Lauren’s passing. What happens amidst all the turmoil and chaos surrounding addiction and mental health is you spend all your time focusing on the problems and putting out the fires. The positive things and good things are there. They are just hidden in the shadow of the pain and confusion addiction brings to the lives of the affected individual and those that love them. When we have a loved one fighting an addiction it is important to look for opportunities to catch them doing something right, something good, because they are good. I regret not being more aware of this. This is important because addiction carries so much shame and guilt, affected individuals feel worthless. They need something positive to hold on to in life.

For Lauren one of those things, an important one for her, was working.  She always loved working, but one of her favorite days to work was Black Friday. She loved making the time and a half, but it went much deeper that. It was the place where she could still contribute, the spot where she felt useful and, in her eyes, valuable. She is valuable to all of us that love her.

One of the hardest decisions we had to make was to not allow Lauren to work in her favorite place, Hollister. I remember the last Black Friday she worked at Hollister. She was really looking forward to it because she had not worked for a while. It was nice to see her get all dressed up and ready for the work day. Although extremely out of character for Lauren, towards the end of her life she did not get dressed up around the house like she once did, it just wasn’t important to her anymore. That’s what heroin addiction does, everything else ebbs away and becomes second, not by choice, but by necessity. Within a few hours of Lauren arriving at work, Nereida received a text and many phone calls asking, begging really, if she would come and get Lauren. Laurens anxiety had gone through the roof and she literally could not leave the employee bathroom. If you have ever seen someone in full blown panic attack you understand this. If you haven’t you may be thinking, “Oh just suck it up”, but truthfully that can’t happen. Anxiety is a very debilitating mental health disorder. It’s like telling someone who’s knee has given out, “Oh, just get up and walk.” There are ways to learn to cope with anxiety but sucking it up isn’t one of them. Add to that the issue of LaLa’s addiction ramping her anxiety up to uncontrollable levels, and things, everything, became very difficult.

I went and got Lauren since Nereida and Evan where over an hour away. It was heartbreaking, there have been very few times when I have seen Lauren in a worse state. On the ride home, I did all I could to encourage her. I tried to explain that she could get help with her anxiety and that her addiction might be adding to her struggles. She was overwhelmed with the possibilities of all the things that might happen. That’s what anxiety does, the what if’s become screaming voices in the forefront of your mind. We are grateful that Laurens managers where very helpful and understanding, they loved Lauren. She worked as much as they needed her to (until we had to stop her working there), and she did whatever she did very well. At one of the stores she worked at they would ask Lauren to train the individuals that were in the manager-in-training program since she knew more about the processes and systems than most people in the store. LaLa was not a manager though, ha ha, I was really proud of her.

I am very grateful for the many times I got to sit with Lauren in the early mornings of the day. We talked, she would often ask me to pray with her, and sometimes we cried.

Don’t miss out on the “little” moments in life, the ones most of us don’t notice, they are really significant milestones, they matter. They mean far more than we often think. When I think of Lauren, which is always, many of those short 10 to 15-minute conversations stand out like monuments in the life we shared. They are the milestones that mark our journey together. I hope you are leaving markers for one another with the people you share life with, you won’t regret it.